Author- Chris Giang, B.S.
Grief can be an emotionally difficult and complicated journey to navigate. For caregivers, it can be even more challenging to work through your own grief while simultaneously supporting your child’s grief. A common question that comes to the minds of many is: “When does grief end?”. There is no clear answer to this question because grief does not have a clear timeline nor set of specific stages that one must go through for it to end. Grief does not end the way many people assume, so instead, it may be helpful to reframe our understanding of grief. In doing so, one may ask: How do I live with grief and move forward with my life? In order to move forward through grief, it is important to understand and integrate the experience of loss into our own and our children’s lives.
The Unpredictability of Grief
The idea that grief occurs in predictable and defined stages (i.e., denial, anger, bargaining, depression, acceptance) has been widely popularized, but there is no compelling empirical evidence to support this notion. The belief that grief occurs in a linear progression oversimplifies the complexity of the grieving process. The reality is that grief is a deeply personal, nonlinear experience that varies from person to person. Grief often involves a range of emotions that can ebb and flow unpredictably. Moments of acceptance may be abruptly followed by sadness or even anger. Grief is not necessarily something that can be neatly resolved—rather, grief is more like an ever-changing journey that everyone navigates in their own unique way.
The Myth of Closure
Another unrealistic societal expectation about the journey through bereavement is that the bereaved person must find “closure,” but even this idea is misleading. Closure suggests that there is a nicely wrapped conclusion to grief but in reality, grief is messy and does not necessarily go away completely. Current research on bereavement suggests that the intensity of grief often decreases gradually over time for most bereaved individuals. Rather than seeking closure, many bereavement experts encourage the bereaved to integrate the loss into their lives. This may involve seeking continued bonds with the deceased or finding ways to honor them. Living with grief is an ongoing process that requires patience, self-compassion, and support.
Finding Meaning and Purpose After Loss
After experiencing a death and reflecting on their loss, many bereaved people find that their sense of meaning and purpose in life has changed. Finding new meaning and purpose in life can be helpful in moving forward. During World War II, psychiatrist and Holocaust survivor, Dr. Victor Frankl, observed that concentration camp survivors who were able to describe a specific reason or purpose to survive fared better psychologically than those who said they had no purpose. Dr. Frankl believed that having purpose and meaning in life can help individuals endure and transcend suffering. Another viewpoint to consider is that of psychologist and researcher, Dr. Robert Neimeyer, who emphasized the importance of finding meaning in loss. For some, this may involve spending more time with their family or loved ones. For others, this may involve engaging in acts of service that provide a sense of connection to the community or contributing to humanity. Finding new purpose or meaning may also involve honoring the memory of the person who died, which again, can vary greatly from person to person. Although grief is often painful and disruptive, finding ways to move forward through grief can be an enriching experience in the long run—for ourselves and our children.
The Dual Role of Caregivers
For parents and caregivers, grief is twofold: not only are you processing your own grief, but you also supporting your children who are grieving. Doing both requires balancing your own grieving process with providing a stable emotional environment for your children to process their grief emotions. Here are some possible ways to do both:
1. Modeling Healthy Grieving
Children can learn a lot about grieving from watching the adults in their lives. By showing your emotions and discussing your feelings, you are teaching your children that grief is something that is always okay to talk about and that all emotions are welcomed.
2. Maintaining Routines
Consistency and stability are always helpful for children, but even more so during grief. Maintaining daily routines provides a sense of security and helps children know what to expect, which may help them manage the emotional challenges that come with loss.
3. Creating Space for Remembrance and Connection
Finding ways to remember the memory of the deceased can be therapeutic. This may involve looking through photo albums, celebrating the deceased’s birthday, or visiting places that were meaningful to the family. These activities can help to maintain a connection with the deceased, which may be comforting to children.
4. Encouraging All Expressions of Grief
Children may not always express grief verbally, so it might be helpful to encourage them to draw, write, or engage in play as alternatives to expressing their emotions. As a parent or caregiver, participating in these activities with your children may also help you with your own grief, as well as help you connect with your children on a deeper level.
5. Seeking Self-Care and Support When Needed
Sometimes, the weight of your grief mixed with the responsibility of helping your children can be overwhelming. While focusing on supporting your children, do not neglect your own needs. Engage in self-care practices that can help you physically, emotionally, or spiritually. Examples of self-care activities include reading, exercise, or meditation. These activities can provide the strength needed to support yourself and your children. It is also helpful to seek support from other family members, friends, support groups, or professionals. This support can offer respite and additional strategies for managing grief.
Conclusion
Grief does not have a definitive endpoint. Learning to live with grief involves recognizing the non-linear and unpredictable nature of grief, and allowing oneself the grace to experience a range of emotions. As a parent or caregiver, acknowledging this can help you to create an environment where you and your children can express your grief freely over time. Integrating the experience of loss into one’s life can lead to a renewed sense of purpose and a deeper appreciation for the fragility and beauty of life. Embracing grief, rather than resisting it, may also help pave the way for healing and growth, making it possible to live a full and meaningful life, even in the face of immense grief.
References
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Frankl, V. E. (1985). Man’s Search for Meaning. Simon and Schuster.
Morris, S., Fletcher, K., & Goldstein, R. (2019). The grief of parents after the death of a young child. Journal of Clinical Psychology in Medical Settings, 26, 321-338.
Neimeyer, R. A. (2001). Meaning Reconstruction and the Experience of Loss. American Psychological Association.
Stroebe, M., Schut, H., & Finkenauer, C. (2013). Parents coping with the death of their child: From individual to interpersonal to interactive perspectives. Family Science, 4(1), 28-36.
Titlestad, K. B., Lindeman, S. K., Lund, H., & Dyregrov, K. (2021). How do family members experience drug death bereavement? A systematic review of the literature. Death Studies, 45(7), 508-521.