Author – Haley Scott, M.S.W.
Grief can make one feel devastated, isolated, angry, confused, or relieved. Amidst the chaos of a loss, one may also begin to feel fearful that they will forget the person who has died. All these feelings are completely normal to experience. Particularly with a death due to substance use, stigmatization can add another complex layer to these feelings. With substance use related deaths, the bereaved may feel isolated from social support, unsure who to confide in and express vulnerable feelings with, or place blame on themselves. Grief in these circumstances can be confusing for many reasons, whether a relationship with the deceased was strained prior to their death or if the substance use was a complete shock to comprehend. With these complications in mind, it can be difficult to reflect on the life of the person who died.
However, remembering and reflecting on the life of the person who died can also bring a sense of on-going connection or ‘continued bond’ with them. In this way, the bereaved maintain their relationship with the person who died by integrating memories, traditions, and stories throughout a life without them. Reflecting on the life of the person who died and the act of remembrance can be a significant ritual within the grieving process, providing a source of comfort and easing the adaptation to a loss. While a funeral service can serve as a remembrance ritual, continuing to honor a person who has died does not have to include a financial investment, conform to cultural or social standards, or even be a shared/public event.
Just as relationships between the bereaved and the person who died are unique, remembering a person who has died is deeply personal. One may find they have different feelings about a death than a family member, a friend, or even societal norms. In whatever way someone decides to honor a person who has died, there are opportunities for including social supports and for private intention. Whether it is acknowledging a significant day (such as a holiday), or a day one finds oneself thinking of grief (on a random Tuesday afternoon), below is a list of different ways one can continue bonds with a person who has died.
6 ways to honor or remember a person who has died:
- Create an online memorial page. Research has explored the role and benefits of online memorialization, drawing attention to the importance of social support, communities, and collaboration. There are several websites that host online memorial pages (e.g.: Keeper, Forever Missed, Much Loved) or social media platforms such as Facebook that allow for the creation of a memorial group. Many of these sites allow for those who visit the website to leave a note or a fond memory of the deceased. An online memorial page can always be revisited on a special grief day such as an anniversary, birthday, or holiday.
- Write or journal. Writing can be a very personal and powerful tool for the bereaved, allowing one to privately express fears, hopes, and realities of a loss if the topic is too difficult to talk about. This can look many ways and does not need to fit any one kind of idea about writing.
- Write a letter or email to the person who died: share milestones, tough days, or how you are feeling about the loss.
- Write a poem or song.
- Draw or write a message in sidewalk chalk.
- For writing prompts to get started, click here.
- Flip through photos. Whether the pictures are in a digital format or inherited, many photographs capture moments of “everyday” life, joyous occasions, and often many faces of friends and family members. Reviewing pictures of someone who has died can be emotionally intense; however, it is one way that the bereaved can begin to (re)discover something new about the person who died.
- Create a scrapbook or physical photo album with favorite pictures.
- Frame or mount a photo of the person who has died and display it at home.
- Listen to their favorite song(s). Research has highlighted the significance of the role of music in bereavement as a way to connect with the deceased, offering a chance to reminisce.
- Create a playlist of their favorite songs or songs that make you think of the person who died.
- Sing along, or even dance along (physical activity can be beneficial to reduce depression, anxiety and sleep problems).
- Attend a concert of their favorite band or singer.
- Make (or order-in) their favorite meal. Whether their favorite meal was a family recipe or a go-to pizza parlor, the aroma alone may invoke powerful emotions and memories.
- Make or share the meal with friends or family while reflecting on favorite moments.
- Set the person who died a plate at the dinner table (with or without a photo on display).
- Place sentimental items on display. Objects such as jewelry, furniture, clothing, or a favorite coffee mug can hold significant value after a death. Integrating these items into a home or everyday life can maintain a sense of a tangible connection with the deceased, ensuring the ‘presence’ of the person who died is close.
- As an alternative option, create an at-home altar or shrine.