Author- Chris Giang, B.S.
How someone grieves a death can vary widely from person to person, which is especially the case with children. Bereaved children’s ability to process the death of the person who died or to express their grief may vary due to many factors—notably, age or developmental stage. Understanding and recognizing common age-specific grief reactions can be important for providing developmentally-informed support for bereaved children.
Infants and Toddlers (0-3 Years)
Despite being unable to understand the permanence, or the concept of death, infants and toddlers are sensitive to changes in their lived environment, especially if their caregiver or familiar person with whom they had developed significant attachment is no longer present. Common grief reactions in infants and toddlers may include:
- Changes in behaviors, such as more crying, sleeping difficulties, and a change in eating patterns
- Clingier to people with whom they are attached and being less likely to venture away from them
- Heightened separation anxiety
- Looking for the person who died in places that they may expect them to be
- Regression of developmental skills, such as resorting to thumb sucking, reverting to baby talk, or losing toilet-training skills
Potential Support Strategies for Infants and Toddlers:
- Work towards restoring and providing a sense of normalcy
- Provide physical comfort through cuddling and holding
- Ensure a calm and soothing environment
Preschoolers (3-6 Years)
Children around preschool age begin to understand death, but not fully. This may lead to grief reactions manifest in infants and toddlers, as well as:
- Magical thinking or believing they can bring someone back to life
- Tendency to ask repeatedly where the deceased person is or when they will be coming back
- Thinking they may be at fault for the death
Support Strategies for Preschoolers:
- Explain death in both simple and concrete terms
- Avoiding euphemisms that may confuse them, like saying the person who died “went to sleep” or “passed away”
- Allow them to express their grief, emotions, and feelings through play, drawing, or stories
School-Age Children (7-12 Years)
Older school-age children typically have a stronger understanding that death is permanent but still may not fully comprehend the implication of death. Their grief reactions can be more direct and may include:
- Appearing visibly upset or crying
- Outwardly displaying their anger and frustration
- Withdrawing from social interactions
- Trouble concentrating, which may result in a decline in their school performance
- Tendency to ask many questions surrounding the death
Support Strategies for School-Age Children:
- Encourage them to share their thoughts, feelings or worries about death
- Find meaningful ways to remember and honor the person who died, such as creating a memory box or writing letters
- Monitor any changes in their behavior and be willing to reach out to school or a mental health professional for additional support
Adolescents (13-18 Years)
Older children have a more adult-like understanding of the permanence of death, but at the same time, they are also dealing with many developmental changes. Because of that, their grief reactions can be complex and even concerning in many ways:
- Some adolescents may engage in risky behaviors (e.g., substance use, reckless driving) as a coping mechanism or a way to feel control over their lives
- Some may spend more time alone or with their peers rather than be with their family
- May begin to question their beliefs, the meaning of life, and their purpose in life
Support Strategies for Adolescents:
- Provide them with enough space to grieve but encourage open communication and let them know you are there when they are ready to talk
- Consider professional counseling, particularly if their grief may lead to concerning or destructive behaviors
- Support their engagement in activities that may help them express their feelings, such as through music, art, or writing
Children’s grief reactions are influenced by their developmental stage, which may require different approaches and strategies to support them. Understanding, recognizing, and distinguishing the unique needs and grief reactions of each age group can better assist children in navigating the complex emotions associated with the death of their special person. By offering unconditional support, bereaved children can get the support they need to navigate this extremely challenging change in their lives.
References
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